I was pondering about some things the other day.  Mostly the fact that throughout my lifetime I have had words burned into my memory.  Envision my brain waiting inside some stockade gates and a searing red hot metal rod with some nasty term scorches itself onto my gooey gray matter.  This is obviously the vision my over-active imagination paints, however for me it has really been so remarkably true.

            Regardless of how I tried in the past to focus on the positive, it did not come easily to me.  I grew up around fairly constant put-downs.  I learned I was a loser, a ‘lifer’ in this town, my interests weren’t something to be commended, my good grades were insignificant because I would never go to college, that I would never make it as an artist, that no matter how hard I tried my efforts were futile.  My heart of hearts told me that was SO wrong, but eventually I came to doubt myself.  I started feeling like maybe those words were correct.  I literally heard them every day in SOME form.  It was truly agonizing, and I HATE to admit it but those things really beat me down.  I was worn out by the words; they sucked the life out of me.

 

            As time went on, and I became interested in boys the words I heard at home made it all too acceptable to involve myself with the same type of people.  I remember every cruel remark that guys ever made to me.  I was frequently called ugly.  My facial features picked over as if I was not even REAL…saying things in front of me that I dare say were so mean that it would cut to the soul of even the most hardened heart.  I had been told to feel LUCKY by certain people I dated; because surely they were doing me a favor…no one else would date someone so unattractive.  At 110 pounds I had been called fat several times actually.  They would poke my runner’s thighs and say I could stand to lose some.  My arms were too hairy, my nose too big…and my lips…well those got made fun of all the time.  I recall one time that I came out of the bathroom at a fellow’s house that I was dating to have him say “Jesus Christ, go back in the bathroom and fix yourself up…you look like a pile of shit.”  In front of my friends and his friends he said this, and for a young lady that was a deeply traumatic moment. 

            The way the girls treated me in school was far worse on a level of the brutality scale.  Although a virgin, I was a slut and a whore according to them.  I was also the ugliest creature on the planet, and heard that daily.  If I didn’t hear it verbally nearly every hour at school every day, they were very kind as to give me written reminders; all over the walls in the bathroom…all over my locker…all over my car.  Not to mention the vandalism to my property, and the theft of things that were important to me that went along with this. 

            I think about all of this now and wonder how it was that I was so fragile that I believed them?  I think that truly this is a testament to the power that we all throw forth on a daily basis with what we say.  Our words and intentions can be a formidable force for all that is good, beautiful, inspiring and joyful.  Our words and intentions can be an astounding and malevolent beast for all that is wicked, foul, vile and malicious as well.  Our words have the capacity to uplift and sustain someone that is suffering, and by the same token our words can injure and weaken the same person.

            In my lifetime I had been conditioned to believe that which was spoken to me, and subsequently surrounded myself with the only kind of people I thought I was worthy of…and unfortunately my expectations were not that high.  I look back and think of the opportunities I may have missed because I thought that I wasn’t good enough for so many people.  I am certainly thankful for being able to clearly see that so often mean and judgmental words are truly the feelings and inner workings of the person who is saying them regarding their beliefs about THEMSELVES.  It has nothing to do with me; I am simply the trigger that enacted such feelings.  I know I pushed a few buttons back in my school days by simply being myself.  I wore band shirts and miniskirts with Chuck Taylor high tops.  My eyeliner was too dark, my leather hat was ‘weird’, my laugh was too loud and I was a nerd.  I think that maybe because I was authentic to myself, that this caused stress in others.  At least I am proud that I stuck with my guns and remained who I was despite the fact that it was not well received.

            So, today I ask you to be mindful of what you say.  Remember that those that surround you on a daily basis in your family listen to every word you say.  Please, make sure you are lifting them up with your words.  In your relationships, be aware that you have the capacity to bring someone the greatest gifts with what you say to them…be kind, be passionate, be a loving person…see them with eyes that are full of love every single day.  We deserve that much.  In your friendships, remember to value those that have chosen to remain with you and by your side.  Be sure to honor them, treasure them and tell them how awesome they are.  Finally, in our everyday life we have the power to make an impact on other people by simply being kind.  We can SMILE.  We can send out a random compliment to a stranger.  We can build up our communities with love…that not only includes in person, but also our activity online.  Be nice.  You may make a new friend…and at the very least, you won’t be the cause of a nasty burn in someone else’s brain.

            I love you all!!  XO  Lori