Embracing the Darkness

I was worried that when I started this that perhaps I would feel the need to censor what I say.  That happened.  Sorry about that.  I have written things, then second and third guessed them wondering if people were going to judge what I say.  Wondering if people were going to think it was “THEM,” that I was talking about.  I am working past that, so please be patient with me.

                It seems that this might be the year for me to make some huge changes.  I have reconciled many things in my life and it is weird…I feel like a HUGE cloud has been lifted from me.  There is still plenty of room for growth, but right now I am relishing the fact that I have made it this far.  I am finally becoming the person I need to be.  The struggles have taught me something.  I hope that I have learned great and valuable lessons.  I hope I can help others.  With that said, I want to keep going with this and talk about things as frankly as possible.  It is my mission to help others find their voice, speak their truth and to overcome fear.   So continue onward I must, even if that means that I say things that make people uncomfortable.  Mixed in with funny things of course, because that is who I am and what I am about.

 Even now I look back and I feel that I can see the humor in things that have happened to me in this life.  Obviously SOME things I cannot, but I can see that I have learned lessons and for that I am blessed.  Those trials have shaped me into the person that I am.  Personally, I like the gal I have become.  I even like the gal that did all of the struggling.  I like the gal that did some embarrassing things, some things that others would see as shameful.  I like her.  I love her.  She is me.  I always had reasons of doing what I was doing.  Some of those reasons were valid in my mind; some of those reasons were because I was searching so desperately to put the pieces together of my life.  I was trying to understand.  I was desperately trying to fill in gaps of my childhood.  I needed to figure out WHY.  Damn, there were times of my life that were so overwhelmingly lonely that I would NEVER want to return there.  I tried to fill those gaps with people.  I tried to surround myself with people when I was alone.  The more people around me, the more I felt like it was filling in those desperately hollow voids I had within myself.  Sometimes it was in the form of being the party girl. 

Right now the song “Chandelier” by Sia moves me in a way that is remarkable.  I hear it, and it is like I am reliving my former life.  The song literally chills me to the bone.  Take a look:

Lyrics for Chandelier by Sia

o    Party girls don't get hurt

Can't feel anything, when will I learn

I push it down, push it down

o    I'm the one "for a good time call"

Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell

I feel the love, feel the love

o    1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink

1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink

1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink

o    Throw em back, till I lose count

o    I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist

Like it doesn't exist

I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

o    And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes

Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight

Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes

Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight

On for tonight

o    Sun is up, I'm a mess

Gotta get out now, gotta run from this

Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

o    1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink

1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink

1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink

o    Throw em back till I lose count

o    I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist

Like it doesn't exist

I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

o    And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes

Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight

Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes

Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight

On for tonight, on for tonight

As I'm just holding on for tonight

No I'm just holding on for tonight

On for tonight, on for tonight

As I'm just holding on for tonight

As I'm just holding on for tonight

No I'm just holding on for tonight

On for tonight, on for tonight…

 

 

The brutal truth is I was so intensely hurting I was scared to be alone.  I would drink on the weekends when my son was not with me.  Drink and do things that filled the void.  I wanted so badly to escape from the desolate feelings that I had inside of me.  I was reckless, carless, and extremely impulsive.  I didn’t care about ME.  I cared about making the feelings I was experiencing go away.  I had become a master at this, from the time I was a child.  Just make it go away.  If I used my imagination enough, I could turn my real life into a fantasy world.  It is how I survived my childhood.  My childhood is what made me run from my feelings.  All things come full circle.  I was an escape artist.  I lived a dual life.  I am not ashamed to talk about this, because it is how I have survived.  I am STILL ALIVE because of the tools of my mind being able to assist me.  I would NOT have been here to become a parent and see my beautiful son grow up.  I would not be here to rescue dogs.  I would not be here to help anyone else see past their walls and reach out to get the help they need.  I would be dead.  This I know. 

I won’t discuss HOW or WHY right at this juncture as to the details of my childhood.  However, we all have crosses we must bear.  Mine was heavy, dark and disgusting.  I carried with me too long.  I allowed my cross to convince me that I was unworthy of love and respect.   Apparently I had also signed up for the free t-shirt and membership into the repeated victim club.  All the dredges of humanity could apparently inherently see that I was a card carrying member, yet I was unaware of this status.  These fellows (and sometimes even some blood-sucking ladies) latched onto me like leeches.  They would steal my energy, they would steal my pride, and they would steal my autonomy time and time again.  It came in the form of physical abuse, emotional abuse and sexual abuse; it was not pretty to live that part-time life as an adult.  When my son was with me, I had it together miraculously.  When he was gone, all hell broke loose.  Even a year ago, I would say I was embarrassed of how things went down for me.  I would have HID that side of me at all costs.  Who wants people to know they were doing things that others would consider shameful?  Who wants people to know that their life was out of control?  I know that I didn’t want people to know THEN.  Once I was past that point in my life, I wanted nothing more than to pretend (yet again) that it didn’t happen.  

                In hindsight, one of the BEST things that could have ever happened to me was I believe in God (or the Universe’s) hands.  I normally do not like to infer that God has a hand in causing what appeared to me at the time, destruction.  However, I believe that is what occurred.  It was like a parent showing their child tough love.  I needed consequences to snap me out of the lies I had told myself since I was a little girl.  Honestly, it all HAD to unfold in the way that did.  I truly believe that.  In order to wake me up, it had to follow a pattern of slow and steady.  It started by first building me up.  After many years of thinking I needed to find the “perfect love” I finally stumbled upon what I believe WAS that person.  It was the dawn of 2009.  I had fallen madly in love.  This love was like nothing else I had experienced until that point.  It shook me to the core.  I realized that I didn’t need to drink and party.  I felt like that utter inconsolable ache was now whole.  Although that fell apart, I hung onto it.  I literally believed for YEARS that I would get back together with him.  Probably because he kept me dangling on the side, kept me believing, telling me there was hope and keeping the carrot hanging just slightly outside of my reach.  I could be angry about that, but it was all part of what I needed.  With the focus of believing that I would get back together with him, it allowed me to NOT focus on the search for the perfect man.

The next phase of my demise leading to my re-birth was the loss of everything I had left with the exception of the most important elements; my son and my dogs.  I literally lost everything, including my pride.  I thought that my value had to do with how much money I could make.  God promptly swept me clean.  The job that I had started in Minnesota did not pan out.  My father began the process of dying.  My house would not sell.  I quit the job in haste, but could not find another right away.  I filed bankruptcy, lost my car had my house foreclosed.  My dad died and my health hit rock bottom.  I needed a place to live with my son.  (Thank God I was able to find someone kind enough to take in three dogs and two humans.)  To say that I was sucking mud from the bottom of the barrel would have been correct.  I could NOT have felt any lower about myself.  WHY me?  Why this?  Why did I LOSE all of my possessions I worked so hard for?  Why am I so sick?  Why did I gain all of this weight?  Here again, I may be potentially criticized for offering this explanation, but I believe I know why.

I had everything stripped from me to learn how to find myself again.  I had to do it the hard way.  As I said, I had woven such an amazing tale of untruths about myself just to survive my life.  I had to peel the onion back layer by layer.  I have had to face ALL of my demons in the last few years one by one.  I have had to shake piercing hand after piercing hand over and over again until I could see the light.  Every convulsive nasty nightmare that I have lived through in this lifetime came back to me, to haunt me until I could come to terms with reality.  In the last few months I have had to digest some bitter awfulness.  You all have walked with me during that process.  My illness coupled with the psychological trauma of PTSD was overwhelming me.  I thank you for being there for me.  Those who have stood by me without criticism have been my miracles here on earth.  God has truly provided me with an amazing support system.  I am thankful.  This life has been a wicked roller coaster ride for me.  My stories could truly be made into a movie.  I have had such laughs and fun, but it has always been coupled with a brutal harsh evil that was hidden.  I am no longer there.  I can confidently say I have come through the other side. 

The darkness is lifting from me slowly but surely.  Day by day I see more bright light coming in and entering my heart.  The truth of my life was revealed to me.  Although it was not pretty, my mind had spared me the heartbreaking revelation until I was ready to deal with it and see it clearly.  I could not deal with it and see it clearly until I had stripped away the entire fantasy world I had built to protect myself FROM the truth.  I needed one thing happening at a time to make me realize that I do not HATE the people that hurt me.  I needed to build my faith further than it already was.  (Without God, I would not have survived at all…I truly believe that fact.)  Without my faith, I would be dead.  In fact, finding the truth about my life even now would have been too much to bear without God/my Universal faith.  I may not have survived the memories.  However I DID survive.  I am surviving.  I am alive.  I can move on.  I have control over my life.  I am getting back in shape; I am taking care of my body.  I LOVE myself.  This is the first time I have been able to say that.  I love myself for just being me.  I feel like a kick-ass ninja.  I am a warrior. 

I know that this is writing is now the size of the Uni-bomber’s manifesto.  I hope that you could make some sense out of it.  I needed to get this out of the way, so I could go on and write more about all of the things.  By all of the things I mean funny things…the silly things…the icky things…the evil things.  Those elements are what make us human.  Sharing them makes our voices powerful.  Our crosses we all must bear become lighter when we are honest about our frailty.  We are beautiful and strong.  We were put here on earth to shine light and love.  First we must shed our skins.  We need to take off the masks.  We need to tear down the walls.  We need to be real.  I love you all.  Shout your truth.  ~L