Life is beautiful. Every single day I see my broken pieces
having more meaning. All the cracks in
my surface are there for a purpose. I am
starting to see a cohesiveness that I had never seen before. For whatever reason, I am seeing things with
a new vision and under a different light…I am thankful for this blessing. Life is starting to happen.
Literally, my stomach is covered in
scars. I have been cut open more times
than I can count. Until recently, I saw my scars as ugly. They were a reminder of things that I had
lost. They were a reminder of things
that were taken from me against my will.
All of those nasty looking wounds that had healed over were simply the
marks of the tools that had been used against me to open me up and take out
parts of my body.
The scars symbolically are the wounds that have
been left by those that have harmed me.
They are the reminders that people have taken things from me that I
cannot ever have returned. They are the
marks that have been left behind from people that hurt me. The wounds that were there were sometimes visible
to the world but sometimes those wounds were hidden and deep. Sometimes those wounds were covered with a
mask that displayed an illuminated smile.
The confidence that I falsely exhibited was simply a device I used to
keep people from getting inside. It was
masterfully executed and it was also very effective. I truly think my epic performance was worthy
of an academy award nomination.
I took pride in the walls that I had
built to protect myself. In all
honesty, I had built a formidable fortress.
I spent a great deal of time crafting some beautiful bricks. My bricks were so artistic. I felt as if the partitions I had created
around my heart were so simply lovely that no one would notice that they were
there. I was pretty certain that
everything would, by all accounts, find that I was normal. My barricade successfully kept most people
out. Here and there, I had chosen to let
a select few inside my barriers, but I was extremely picky. Not everyone is worthy to being exposed to my
weaknesses and vulnerability. If I let
just anyone in, I might be destroyed. I
had turned this game of life into a virtual blockbuster mini-series of
WAR. I safely guarded myself from all opponents. I was in lock down mode. My guns were loaded and I was fully prepared
to kill knowing that I would rather have it be HIM or me. It was rarely me. Now, the few times I had managed to let
someone sneak by the artillery I have to say that mistakenly I was
injured. I was foolish only a few
times. I ended up wounded. I bandaged myself right quick, and then assisted
my adversary in making more bricks. My
enemies were more than cordial with lending a helpful hand slapping down
another piece of well crafted stone while I mixed up the mortar and spread it
on thicker and thicker. I really wanted
to make sure those impediments surrounding my heart and frailties stayed nice
and sturdy, and it is always better to work as a team when creating buffers to
reality.
Regarding the scars; I am beginning to
view them differently, though. Recently
I have begun, with the help of what I will call the whirlwind, to find that
these defenses of mine are not permanent. To be honest, when this whirlwind swept through,
I was clinging with all my might to every possible weapon I had in my
cache. I needed the reinforcements. I felt as if right away, I KNEW this would
bring my utter destruction. I absolutely
positively KNEW that whirlwind was certainly going to destroy my life as I knew
it. I needed to hang on to safety. I truly needed to grasp all that I had that
kept me in the realm of the familiar.
The familiar for me was being suspicious that my heart would inevitably
break when I made myself vulnerable. The
whirlwind has lessons for me to learn. I
decided to give this sweeping change a chance because there is something so
compelling when you absolutely know that something HAS to just BE in your
life. There was no denying that my
destiny was to take this course regardless of the outcome. I embarked on my journey and let fate take
its course.
So far, I have been awakened to many
things. The first is that I have been
undoubtedly the cause of most of my own suffering. All in simple acts of protecting myself unnecessarily,
I have caused myself profound grief. I
mistakenly have fallen back on the notion that all outcomes will be the same as
they always have been. I have
fruitlessly been defending a heart that can no longer be hurt, because in
reality there is no such thing for myself unless I am the one that created it. There are beautiful people out there, in fact
there are those that want nothing more than to put on their hard hats and their
gloves and take sledgehammers and break down all of the blockades I have
created. For the first time in as long
as I have a memory, I have recently felt like I could really breathe. I felt like I could relax…almost as if I had
melted. How or why is this so
profound? Well, I actually have had
physicians touch my muscles and say they know I must be constantly in ‘fight or
flight’ because I am physically unable to relax my muscles. I didn’t know what it felt like to have
peace. I didn’t know what it felt like
not to be used. I didn’t know what it felt
like to be loved by a man without conditions.
I have learned to breathe. The
breath I have taken is slow and deep and immensely cleansing. I have felt things shatter piece by piece
inside of me. It is terrifying…Oh my God
is it terrifying for me! I am learning
that so many of my beliefs about reality have all been created out of my
self-protective illusions. Waking up can
be hard…but I have a feeling it is worth it.
The Whirlwind has created something amazing with the force of
change. I promise to embrace it
fully. Always. As well as count my blessings every single
day. Those scars I have, they are proof
that something tried to hurt me and I was stronger. Those scars remind me of everything I was,
everything I needed to heal the wounds and all that I have been through. Those things are also things that no longer
serve me the remainder of this journey.
I am clearing out the warehouse of my arsenal, I am going to break up
the bricks and mortar and I shall forsake all that no longer suits my
purpose. I will love. Nothing will stop me. The journey has begun.
